I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
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me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.