Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.