I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
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Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.