If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
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First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree