i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
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You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
23. the denim jacket
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.