Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
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For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.