If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
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Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Best mom ever 😂
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Stonehinge
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people