They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.