♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
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“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.