Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
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Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
a public service announcement
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.