me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
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Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it