Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
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With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
when dads have a rap battle
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster