Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t