Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
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Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”