Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
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After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
British websites use biscuits.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
You know I’m something of a chef myself
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance