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Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol