Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.