The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
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A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.