*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
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Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Girl, same.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?