Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
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No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
just witnessed a drug deal
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.