The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
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Lube but for my dry humor.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Who says great literature is dead?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.