*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
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For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
never forget
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
#titanic
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition