I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
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When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat