Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
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The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.