He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
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let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
become ungovernable
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Previously On Persistence 😎
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.