Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
You Might Also Like
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.