Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
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911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.