Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
decorating my apartment
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like