Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
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Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
#Caturday
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”