Actually cracking up @ this
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The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
*watches the world burn*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.