Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
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Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Well well well…
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.