[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
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Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness