Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
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my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
do horses think humans are hats
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.