6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
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I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive