Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
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Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?