My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
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My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Mornin
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.