Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
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Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.