fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
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I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Pee pressure > peer pressure
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on