My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
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this is the greatest thing ever
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool