I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
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If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart