Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
You Might Also Like
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet