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Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I wish this was real life…
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.