[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
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It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁