It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
You Might Also Like
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.