Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
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my first dose meeting my second
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Cinematography is my passion
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss