If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
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My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.