I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
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Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol