After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
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If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Home #decor warning.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
this has done me in for some reason