Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
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All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.