Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
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I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
what’s really going on
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors